Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
