I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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