What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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