I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
