I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.