3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car