Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
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You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
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I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize