either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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