Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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