Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
