i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
