do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
