that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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