I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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