This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
