Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
