Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
