What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
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I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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