I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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