My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
