I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
