I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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