i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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