I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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