her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
