so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
