I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
