Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
