ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
