I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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