Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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