so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
