Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
