are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
