I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
