So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
