I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
