Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
