Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize