Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
