"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
