Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He did a backflip because drugs
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
