You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
