wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you inspire me to be a worse person
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
