Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
