It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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