Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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