I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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