he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
