P.S. I can't hear my feet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
