I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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