Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
