NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
