Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
